What Is Right with Love—and What Is Wrong?

When we grow up in environments where the lines between love and criticism blur, it can be difficult to tell the difference between loving correction and something more harmful. How do we know if someone’s critique is meant to lovingly guide us toward improvement, or if it’s a subtle dig meant to undermine us? On the surface, everything may seem fine, but just like microaggressions in racism, it's the nuances—the intent behind the words—that reveal whether someone is acting out of love, curiosity, or malice.

This confusion is often amplified when our understanding of love is shaped by childhood experiences. If love, in your family, meant learning things the hard way, being sheltered from difficult truths, or having your whims indulged to the point where you never learned right from wrong, how do you recognize healthy love in adulthood?

So, fast forward ten years—you’re now dating an incredible man who shows you kindness but also delivers occasional, sharp cruelty. Or perhaps you’re married, and after a few years, the warmth has faded. Now, all you feel is coldness and condescension. The irony is that you handle most of the decisions in the household, yet you can’t remember the last time he genuinely complimented you. Instead, you recall moments where affection has been reduced to routine gestures—a quick peck on the cheek, a detached "When’s dinner?" as he settles onto the sofa. You sigh as you walk back to the kitchen. Is this love? Maybe, but only in part.

How Do We Know What’s Right with Love?

1. How You Feel and the Tone of Their Words
   Pay attention to how their words make you feel. Love should uplift, not break you down. The tone of someone's voice can carry far more weight than the actual words—sometimes, it’s not what’s said, but how it’s said that matters.

2. Context Matters
   Are you on a fitness journey? If so, constructive feedback might be appropriate, especially if it’s aligned with your goals. But if you're normally content and someone’s comments about your appearance or lifestyle come out of nowhere, you might question whether it's meant to help or harm.

3. Sensitive Areas
   Are they addressing a subject you’re already insecure about? If so, how could it have been approached differently to help you rather than hurt you? Criticism, even if well-intentioned, should be delivered with care.

4. Patterns of Behavior
   Do they consistently break things that belong to you, or speak harshly to you but not to others? Love isn’t selective—if they show love to everyone but reserve their harshness for you, something’s wrong.

5. Avoidance and Anticipation
   Do you find yourself avoiding conversations, walking on eggshells, or not bringing things up because you anticipate their reaction? In a loving relationship, you shouldn’t have to fear communication.

Ultimately, love should feel secure, warm, and respectful. It should build you up, even when correction is needed. If it feels like you're constantly questioning whether the relationship is lifting you or weighing you down, it’s time to reflect. Healthy love is free from fear and shame, and it allows both partners to grow—together, not apart.