Recognizing Non-Physical Abuse and Knowing When to Leave
One of the hardest things I wrestled with was deciding to leave even though he hadn’t hit me. I questioned whether everything that had happened warranted uprooting our lives and leaving behind everything we had built. He screamed at me, threw things, and I would prolong my time at work to avoid going home. Our children whispered to me, doubting themselves, asking, “Am I a loser? Am I stupid?”
What finally made me question my sanity was an incident where he threw a recently used iron that skidded to a stop about a meter away from me. It was close, but not close enough to be immediately dangerous. He threw it across the room from our bedroom doorway because I had put too much stuff in my pocket. I was safe from being burned, but it sent me into a panic—I had to get out of there.
My mind and body were screaming to get out, to get us to safety. My heart dropped when he came back casually with my son as I was packing, holding my eldest. At that moment, I lost my nerve because I doubted if I was enough to raise my son alone. So, I let him soothe my frazzled nerves, and we continued with our plans. I remember downplaying everything, rushing my friend off the phone, and pretending it was nothing as I let him calm me down.
After that, whenever there was another night-long rant or a lecture on my failings, I would think, "But he hasn’t hit me yet." I started mentally preparing for the day he might—thinking, "If he hits me or the kids, that’s it, I’m out," as if him throwing the iron wasn’t warning enough. Mentally preparing myself for that possibility, I realized I might stay even if he did hit me. I had talked myself into accepting that as the next inevitable option. Was I seriously going to wait until I got hit to leave? Would I realistically leave if he did, and what would happen to the kids? That’s when I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe he would never hit me, but the fear that he might was unbearable.
So, when is it time to leave? As early as possible. If you know things are wrong and you feel trapped, panicking, and trying to rationalize your decisions, especially if you have children, it’s time. He loves his children, but I made them my reason to get out. Seeing their faces and bodies freeze in fright when he crushed their toy in anger because they broke a rule was soul-destroying. Knowing I wasn’t brave enough to always stand in the fire, I convinced myself everything would be okay as long as the kids were safe and unharmed because they were happy and needed a dad.
Once I left and realized how scared the children were, I thanked God for the day I decided enough was enough. It is scary, no doubt. Leaving all you hold dear on the fear that someone will turn violent feels like insanity because they might never—but all forms of abuse will cause your body to shut down and want to flee to safety.
Recognizing Non-Physical Abuse
Many people believe that domestic violence is only physical, but it also includes emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. These non-physical forms of abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so, because they often go unrecognized and unaddressed. Here are some signs of non-physical abuse:
- Emotional Abuse: Manipulating your feelings, making you feel worthless, or constantly criticizing you.
- Psychological Abuse: Gaslighting (making you doubt your reality), controlling behavior, or isolating you from friends and family.
- Verbal Abuse: Yelling, screaming, name-calling, or making threats.
The Impact of Non-Physical Abuse
The effects of non-physical abuse can be profound and long-lasting. Victims often experience anxiety, depression, and a loss of self-esteem. The constant fear and stress can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, stomach problems, and sleep disturbances. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), emotional abuse is a significant predictor of physical abuse later on.
Statistics and Facts
- Prevalence of Non-Physical Abuse: According to a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximately 48% of women and 48% of men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
- Link to Physical Violence: The World Health Organization (WHO) reports that women who experience emotional abuse are significantly more likely to also experience physical violence from their partners.
- Impact on Children: Children who witness domestic violence are more likely to experience emotional and behavioral problems, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Knowing When to Leave
It’s crucial to recognize these signs early and understand that abuse is not just physical. If you feel afraid, controlled, or constantly anxious about your partner’s reactions, it’s time to consider leaving. Here are some steps to take:
- Acknowledge the Abuse: Understand that what you’re experiencing is abuse, even if it’s not physical.
- Plan Your Exit: Make a safety plan, including where you will go and what you need to take with you.
- Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a domestic violence hotline for support and guidance.
- Document Everything: Keep a record of abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions.
- Prioritize Safety: Your safety and the safety of your children are paramount. Leave before the situation escalates.
Resources
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out for help. Here are some resources available:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 0808 2000 247
- Women’s Aid: womensaid.org.uk
- Refuge: refuge.org.uk
Conclusion
Non-physical abuse is real and harmful. If you find yourself justifying staying because “he hasn’t hit me yet,” understand that abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be damaging. Trust your instincts, seek help, and prioritize your safety and that of your children.
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